Full Moon Musings

We break it to our beautiful, perfect, sweet daughters on Sunday that we are divorcing.

It's strange that at this stage in my life it seems like the majority of the married people I know are urging me to "work things out" - as if they possibility hasn't been explored yet; while my single/divorced friends are leaning towards splitting up.  I have had a feeling a few times: I just want someone to ask me, what do you want?  My family and close friends are the only ones to go there, and the answer from my heart is always the same.  I want to be happy and I know that I can't be in this marriage.

He has asked me the same thing; what are you looking for that I couldn't give you?

Honestly, it's not that complicated.  I want to be loved and appreciated, encouraged to grow and explore.  Appreciated for my whole-hearted devotion to my daughters and my family.  To be able to cook meals for a house bursting with people sometimes, and other times just a few of my beloveds.  For someone to notice that I'm petrified of lightning when I'm outside but fascinated when I'm inside; someone that wants to know why I love sycamores so much and wants to debate with me without feeling they need to tear me down to prove a point.  I want a love that inspires my daughters to seek the same; something that will fill their hearts long after I'm gone.

I balance this with wanting to be unselfish about what is best for my daughters.  I know I'm not being the best parent I can when I'm unhappy, but how do you explain that now?  A good friend suggested I keep a journal and that's what I've been doing; writing down a lot of stuff that they can read when they are older.  Trying to be honest about what I am feeling, who their father is, who I am, and what brought us to this.  It's a love story with a twist .... a twist that goes down a very, very unexpected and undesired path.  I do want a love story, but the wool's been pulled away from my eyes.  I know who I am and I know what I want.

I've been comforting myself with thinking of all the still married but horribly dysfunctional couples I know.  Is that wrong?  I can't help but think of adult relatives who have come out of unhappy marriages and have gone on to unhappy marriages themselves.  Of course the inverse is true.  But it keeps me from thinking of all of the horrible divorce statistics for children.

If you can spare a wish, good feelings, love, a prayer, please do so for my sweet girls.  They know something is up but can't know that this is coming.

Pumpkin Carving

 These little girls of mine - to say that the last few weeks have been stressful is a huge understatement.  But they never fail to amaze me and make me smile.

  I'll get the yucky stuff over with first - my husband and I are separating.  Through LOTS of discussions, counseling, and careful consideration, we've realized we are not what the other one needs to be happy and grow and be the best people we can.  There is a mountain of work to be done with this process - we are continuing counseling, both separately and together, we have to sort out a big financial tangle with our house, figure out a schedule with our kids that will be the least disruptful, and we have to divide up the contents of our house.  So, I've had to drop my math classes for now, in order to focus all my attention on my kids and to be as present as possible with them. 

  It's funny and strange and scary and full of potential.  My husband and I are falling into a friendship routine, and doing our best to stay friendly throughout this weird-as-balls process.  We agree on how a lot of things should go with the separation, so there is that. 

  And it's fall - probably my favorite season, although I hate to have just one, you know?  I think each season makes me appreciate the next one more.  It is Halloween time though, and the girls and I get completely into it every year.  I have their costumes, they are amazing, and I'll show them to you after Halloween so you can get the full effect of their awesomeness.  But you can see our pumpkins now.

  Me:  Girls, what do we need to carve pumpkins?  What would you like to do with them?  Mooch : I want a face on mine but I also want it to look like a lantern.  Butterbean: I want paint and glitter!

The all-important pumpkin carving dance.

Mooch's solution to "making it look like a lantern"

I don't think we'll ever carve pumpkins without power tools again.

A Day With The Bean

May every sunrise hold more promise and every sunset hold more peace.

Two weeks ago my sister took Mooch for a sleepover at her house, and Bean and I found ourselves with a whole free day, just the two of us.  I've become slightly obsessed with the Play At Home Mom blog and their simple philosophy to encourage learning and emotional growth through creative play.  A theme with all of their posts is letting your child take the lead and trusting in their instincts.  So I asked Bean, what do you want to do today?  You get to be the boss today.  And she said, go to Longwood Gardens and eat cookies and play in the fountains, then have a picnic in the living room.
OK

Yes, we can get a stroller so you can rest your little feet.

Yes you can paint with water on the walls (Longwood has amazing volunteers)

Me & my girls hands

Yes you can chase the leaping water for as long as you want.  I'm surprised these came out so clear, she was cracking me up.

Yes you can take pictures with the camera to show me your point of view. 

Yes we can eat cookies by the fountains and you can take my picture, and pictures of other interesting things ...

Yes you can help me pull up veggies for dinner when we get home

... and then have your dinner in a tent in the living room while watching Jumanji with Mommy.  I love you, baby girl.