We break it to our beautiful, perfect, sweet daughters on Sunday that we are divorcing.
It's strange that at this stage in my life it seems like the majority of the married people I know are urging me to "work things out" - as if they possibility hasn't been explored yet; while my single/divorced friends are leaning towards splitting up. I have had a feeling a few times: I just want someone to ask me, what do you want? My family and close friends are the only ones to go there, and the answer from my heart is always the same. I want to be happy and I know that I can't be in this marriage.
He has asked me the same thing; what are you looking for that I couldn't give you?
Honestly, it's not that complicated. I want to be loved and appreciated, encouraged to grow and explore. Appreciated for my whole-hearted devotion to my daughters and my family. To be able to cook meals for a house bursting with people sometimes, and other times just a few of my beloveds. For someone to notice that I'm petrified of lightning when I'm outside but fascinated when I'm inside; someone that wants to know why I love sycamores so much and wants to debate with me without feeling they need to tear me down to prove a point. I want a love that inspires my daughters to seek the same; something that will fill their hearts long after I'm gone.
I balance this with wanting to be unselfish about what is best for my daughters. I know I'm not being the best parent I can when I'm unhappy, but how do you explain that now? A good friend suggested I keep a journal and that's what I've been doing; writing down a lot of stuff that they can read when they are older. Trying to be honest about what I am feeling, who their father is, who I am, and what brought us to this. It's a love story with a twist .... a twist that goes down a very, very unexpected and undesired path. I do want a love story, but the wool's been pulled away from my eyes. I know who I am and I know what I want.
I've been comforting myself with thinking of all the still married but horribly dysfunctional couples I know. Is that wrong? I can't help but think of adult relatives who have come out of unhappy marriages and have gone on to unhappy marriages themselves. Of course the inverse is true. But it keeps me from thinking of all of the horrible divorce statistics for children.
If you can spare a wish, good feelings, love, a prayer, please do so for my sweet girls. They know something is up but can't know that this is coming.